Bumpy

Yeah. Bumpy. What a day. Been bumping into people the whole day.

Met Tammy at the bus-stop. That's 1. Froze my butt off during physics lecture. He did the catch the 2 dollar note demo. :) The explaning parts quite dry. The only parts that interested me were the examples and the back-of-envelope calculations. Sat next to the same yr 2 again. She's quite nice la.

Went for Relativity after that. Ha! Exciting! :) I like! Edward Teo so awkward! So funny. Quite happy to hear alot of familiar terms and concepts, like event horizon etc. So, good la. Met Erlyani outside the LT. 2 already. Then Joaling. 3. Then MY. 4. Ruth Chen. Goodness! 5. Organic chem lecture so dumb. I don't like it. So brainless. After that met Hong. 6. We went to YIH together. Yiting and Lina don't count. Chen xinyi. 7. Ian. 8. Liu Huimin and Tracy. Total, 10! Anyway, Huimin's still the nice ol' girl. But her friend ah.. look so quite, but Very ji za. Poor little rich girl. Poor thing... My foot.

Ate BK all by my lonesome self. Came home, got nagged at and we went to IDP to settle stuff. I'm going! I'm going! :D Think what Aaron said is quite true. The brand of the uni doesn't matter, if you're good enough.

It's sunday already?!

Had a bad dream last night. The scene at the airport suddenly became a funeral. And everyone was crying like it hurt real bad. And I couldn't find anything nice to wear. And people were watching me get dressed. Later, my ma got lost, and suddenly both of us were in the car, driving around Tuas, and my ma was worried that we wouldn't be able to make it back in time. And each time I woke up and went back to sleep, the dream just continued. Like it didn't wanna let me off. O well. It's just a dream.

My whole body is aching now. And my tooth too. Damn scared my upper wisdom tooth is gonna give me problem. Dang. :( Played violin for a while. But my arms were tired, from playing or from exercise I dunno. And nothing felt right. Can't even do the staccato anymore. Shit la.

I can remember my IVLE log-ins!

Ow! ow! OW!

Backache. The muscle hurts like hell. Hope nothing screwed up in there. Hope it's just over-exertion from last night. Did 20 leg-lifts and that back exercise thingy. Only. Damn. I'm so unfit. Heh. Woke up late today. Ma bought lunch home from United Square. Vacuumed the house while they were out watching the dollies. K, not the whole house. Most of it anyway. My back started aching terribly, had to stop. Met SY to get notes and the career guide. Today got damn pissed with stupid GXY. What the hell. Supposed to message me to go out in the afternoon. But around 4 she sms say can meet at 6? Walau, felt like punching her face. Obviously not. Make me wait and wait, in the end come and ask a stupid question. So freaking selfish. Only care about herself. Dammit. Anyway, played violin for a while. Very frustrated with myself over violin. I can't get it to sound the way I want it to! And my fingers hurt so often I must be doing smth wrong. Or worse, I'm not suited to my violin!! :( Went out for dinner after that. Purposely put black face the whole night. Quite tired now. I wanna pamper myself now.

Fluids, fluids, fluids..

God, I'm getting dumber. My physics is damn rusty. Shit la. Spent the night talking to C, Yian and JT. About..? Bernoulli's Principle! Hahaha. Really. And talked to SR too. Ran out to watch arts central.

Curse of the day

The effing idiot. If he dares to come and talk to me again, I swear I will brush him off so fast and so hard he'll get a friction burn. And if he pisses me off, I'll poke out his stupid eyeballs, and break his nose. Insensitive ass. Who does he think he is. So freakin condescending. Like saying smth nice is gonna be a torture worse than death. Like replying a lousy sms is gonna cost enough to need to rob a bank. Like being concerned takes more energy than running a marathon. Like his whole world only revolves around his stupid books and stupid music. Like our friendship counts for nothing. Thought he could be counted on. Dammit. All the stupid promises. Especially the one about helping me when it came down to the crunch. He go where? Disappeared into thin air. Ask for help, he dunno talk what cock. I sure hope he's feeling happy and contented... COS I'M NOT! I'm so effing bitter and angry with him. Cos now i've been chucked aside like a used rag. Damn you. Don't expect me to be kind anymore.

Headache

Alrighty. With this post, Rhapsody has taken on the responsibility of being my full-time blog, and not just for grumbling.

Sian. Just flipping through the websites and I realised that registration for physics tutorials and practicals is up and running. Panic panic panic. Just finalising stuff when Screamin-her-head-off-chong comes into my house and starts yelling for me. Hurriedly scooped up all my stuff and left.

Got my labcoat at the co-op. Another pang in my heart when I saw the medicine lab coats. 28 bucks! Goodness. Is it some special cloth?! Saw JL. Hung around for a little while saw senior X and sat beside her while she handed out flyers, albeit slightly awkwardly. Left for lab with JY, her friend and S. Lab was alright. C, on my left, is really sweet and nice. K, on my right, is damn blur and reminds me of Kunlin. He's my partner. Opposite me's 2 really xiong guys. Damn zai also. No mishaps today. Except I thought my thumb kena the phenol and got me so worried. The stuff quite cheem. No formal explanation, basic stuff either. The pipettes very hard to use!! Hope I get ok results.

Then 1101 lecture. Prof quite funny. But I was SO hungry and tired.

Some things to look forward to!

September 10: TCHAIKOVSKY - Symphony No. 6 in B minor, Op. 74 'Pathétique' Never listened to this before, but I've heard so much about this last symphony of his, I'm very tempted to go watch.

October 8: RACHMANINOV - Piano Concerto No. 2 in C minor, Op. 18 Again? Was pleasantly surprised to see it on the list again. Not sure whether they're gonna change it due to 'unforseen circumstances'. Almost 1 year ago, I watched it at the Esplanade. Sigh. That was my first concert. :)

October 29: CHOPIN - Piano Concerto No. 2 in F minor, Op. 21, Open Rehearsal in the morning. Chopin! Chopin! Chopin! Never heard this before either. But everyone says no. 2 is better than no. 1, and since I'm so crazily in love with no. 1, i'll probably be in for a treat! I hope. :)

Decembe 10 & 11: SSO Babies Proms They are playing Bizet's Carmen Suite! WOOHOO! :) And there's more! The extra chocolate sauce on an already yummy-licious ice-cream sundae: John William's Star Wars! How cool is that!! I'm confirm going! And ok, 3 other songs. I'm sure they'll be nice too. Hehehe.

Can't wait! :) :)

Cry it all out

Been bursting into tears the whole night. What is wrong with me?! Am I becoming a S? Damn. I think I am. :(

Stop asking me what my plans are. I don't know. I don't have a bloody effing clue. And I squirm and shuffle my feet and get very uncomfortable when you ask. Cos it brings back bad memories. And makes me very insecure. And stop asking me how's NUS? How's orientation. Cos it pisses me off to the max. I don't appreciate your concern. I see it as being intrusive. I do not feel sorry for my behaviour. So shut up and get lost if you're gonna start on all that pious pompous shit. And STOP TELLING ME EFFING CLICHED STUFF COS I HATE IT. It's so unsincere. It's so fake. It's so condescending. Dammit. Go for your dreams. Don't give up. Believe in yourself. WTF?!

I'm so antisocial I can't believe myself. I lash out at anyone and everyone. My temper's so short. I ignore everyone. I think everyone's just living behind a facade, and only I am real. I don't wanna wear my heart out on my sleeve. I wanna protect myself. I can't get too close to anyone, cos people ALWAYS disappoint. I'm gonna sleep. I'm gonna cry myself to sleep. Night all.

Misanthropy just about sums it up

Can't bring myself to write on My Selfish Blog anymore. Too many people reading it. Too many unwanted people reading it. Too many unwanted people telling more unwanted people about it. Too much of myself has been exposed. Feel so silly when I think about what I've written. Feel so childish. Now when I wanna blog, i think of the people that are gonna read, and what they're gonna think and i don't feel like writing anymore. It's not so much of caring about what people think of me. I just don't want people to know too much. It makes me very vulnerable. Another bad bit is that friends read but don't give a hoot about what happens to me. Fine, I'm selfish and I love attention. So what.

Anyway, I had a fantastic time last night. I watched Revenge of the Dim Sum Dollies! It was hilarious! I was grinning so much my jaws hurt. And my hands were tired from clapping. Their impersonations of famous people is fantastic. Really! Selena Tan is really good as a scriptwriter. The lyrics were very good. The jokes were very witty too! But she sucks as a performer. She can't dance la. But Emma Yong is really good! I'm really impressed with her. She knows how to move and groove man! A pity that she's the least famous of the 3. Think she's got alot of talent for theatre and musicals. Always liked Pam Oei. Her role as the Parking Pontianak brought down the house! All in all, the Revenge of the dim sum dollies rocks my socks!

Went out alone to Borders to get a CD. They didn't have it. And their classical collection sucks like hell. So disorganised. Ended up getting one called Classical Heartbreakers from another CD shop. Kinda regret getting it. Another impulsive buy.

And I'm so freaking pissed with 3 people. Haughty Bitchy Z, Insenstive D and Stupid stupid STUPID Z. Heck. I'm bloody pissed with everyone. Irritating A and C. C was such an ass yesterday. She went to ask the bane of my existence along yesterday and told me like 2 seconds before I got there. I abhor people making decisions without me. I HATE it that she thinks she's done nothing wrong. I hate irreponsibility. We were supposed to meet near the MRT, but she and the BOME had to jalan jalan all the way to C&K. WTH. She just BLABBERS. Gossips. Talk and talk and talk. Nothing to talk, talk about other people, talk about yours truly, ME. WTH for?! She can't keep secrets! Regret telling her about my blog and stuff. And she and that TOTAL SCUMBAG JJ just makes me retch. She thinks she is damn funny. Walau, puh-lease. Anyway, damn. Now you got me started I feel like letting everything out. J and H. Rot in hell please. May your flea infested loins never produce offspring. Hope u fail every test and exam. And may you be stricken with eternal loneliness, just like me.

God, I'm evil.

It's happening again.

Is it a cycle? These feelings of regret, jealousy and depression. And it's making me so high-strung. I can't stand everyone these days. Can't stand their attitude, their actions, their little everythings! Like the Science people. It's fun. They're alright. I can get along with them. But sometimes, I think deep down inside i don't click with the whole bunch. Different wavelength. How can they be so heck care? So irresponsible? So playful? Our future begins now, and they're just shuffling along, thinking it's just a joke. Don't they make plans for their future? How can they be so fake? So HAPPY?! Can't they see I'm struggling with difficult decisions that weigh so heavily on my poor broken heart..? They are so full of nonsense. Seeking assurance and belonging and identity in a stupid OG that's hardly ever quarter present. I think they are the people the S'pore Govt talk about and dread, the apathetic ones. Which reminds me, I couldn't pronounce that word 3 months ago. Cough-loser-cough. Anyway, regarding those feelings that well up every once in a while, it makes me so negative, I start remembering bad things about people, about myself. You know embarassing boo-boos, stuff 'friends' did that hurt me...etc. It's a vicious cycle, cos it makes me more and more bitter. I start to hate myself, and resent my friends, remember all those old grudges, and come up with new ones. And i turn into a bloody misanthropic bitch. Not to mention suspicious. Human nature is scary. And I feel evil sometimes. ARGH. I hate everyone. PUI!

D messaged out of the blue this evening. Felt my blood turn cold when I saw his name in my inbox. Dammit. Sigh. How i wish I could tell him good news. How I wish! How I wish I could be happy! Be a gingerbreadwoman! Ahem. Anyway, yeah, it's very awkward. They've helped me so much, and kinda got swept up in my excitement, and now I have to disappoint them. Yep, that's what I am, a disappointment. And i can't help but feel that they look at me in a different light after that. And I still think that bit is true. I feel despised! And i hate that feeling.

I listen to Home by Kit Chan, and my lacrimal ducts get activated. Ditto for To where you are by Josh Groban.

You think I'm taking this easy. FYI, I'm not. Today, I felt such an ache when I saw med fac put up their rag item. The feeling of I could've been part of that. And I'll never be part of that. I'll never be in their league. I'll just another face in the crowd.