Getting to the root of it all.

I think the underlying problem that has been making me so unhappy is this: That I'm what everyone hates to be. One of those muggers who's only good for regurgitation and not thinking on the spot. One of those babbling babies who can't handle the stress of real problems. One of those average janes that try to act cooler and smarter than they really are. One of those socially awkward losers who can't hold conversations and can't make friends.

Even though I've known this all my life, it's been kept locked up at the back of my head, in the hope that what i don't think about won't be the truth. But, as it turns out, and as it has always been, the truth always has a way of coming to light. And the truth always hurts.

To my faithful Blog Readers.

His death along with all the setbacks i've been facing have made me see how unpredictacle and scary and inconsequential life is. I realise how many things and people I take for granted.

Life's a B!tch.

Do you know how heart-broken i am that i didn't make it to medicine? I didn't just not make it, i screwed up the thing so bad, that I didn't even make it to the waiting list, and was so far down the line, that they rejected my bloody appeal.

And it makes me feel so damn shitty. I feel like a loser. A show-off who's now fallen from grace. I feel so stupid. So lousy. Like a babbling idiot. Like a liar whose cover has been blown. I'm such a bloody pretentious cow, who is in reality a damn good-for-nothing.

I get upset when I hear about people getting in gushing excitedly about how good life is, how lucky they are, etc. And also, when people in medicine already talk to me and it stirs up some jealousy and regret in me. And when I remember my time at TTSH during the attachment and how much I enjoyed it there, and that I'll never get to experience it.

It doesn't help when my close friends and relatives tell me not to give up hope, that appealing works and that i should've gotten in. How the hell is that supposed to make me feel better? I have no idea. Cos i start to squirm when they say these things, and I wanna scream shut up.

Do they think I wanna give up hope? Obviously not, i want it so badly. But i've tried everything, and it's futile. I did pin my hopes on appealing working, but I know that I'll never make it in. Cos I suck so bad. And telling me that appealing works just makes me feel lousier. And pls pls pls don't say that I should've gotten in, cos I didn't get in, and that's the truth.

Stuff come back to haunt me. Like me thinking myself superior to other people, only to have them end up in med fac, and me not. Like everyone telling me i'll get in. Like looking up to all my doctors. And now, these thoughts really sting.

I can't face some people anymore. I feel embarrassed. And I can sense that after I got rejected, people were less friendly. And it hurts me even more.

Listening to sad songs make me feel so depressed. Thoughts of ending my life have crossed my mind. Seriously, there really isn't any more meaning to my life. My dream is gone. There's no point living life, pretending to be a happy person when my heart is hollow and cold. I can't bring myself to settle for smth else, cos for me, it's medicine or nothing.

I hate my life. I hate myself. I dug my own grave.

I keep feeling like I'm being punished by God. And I feel so far away from Him now, and that He hates me.